We broke up.
After three beautiful years, it was ended.
And now, to the great disappointment of everyone who knows, we are texting all the time, and hooking up, and best friends, but just that.
And tomorrow night, I am meeting up with him. We are going to talk. And I am going to tell him that I don't think he knows what he wants.
After he was camping for over a week, the first thing he did when he got service was text me and only me for thirty minutes. And when he got back from camping, he met up with me that same night. He can't stay away from me, and I can't stay away from him.
And doesn't that mean we want each other back?
I don't fucking know.
I think it means that we are confused. Well, I know what I want. I want him. I do. If I am being 100% honest with myself, I am a relationship kind of person, and I want my beautiful relationship back.
I think it has to be really different. Because I also have a lot of other things I want. Independence, friends, self-worth and self-confidence, freedom.
I don't know that I have to be single for those things to happen, but I do know that it would help.
Most of all, I just want to know what he is thinking in all of this. I want to get inside his head and crawl around a little.
Everything is going to be okay, I know that now. As I was washing dishes at work last night, I realized that the things I am doing right now are the memories I will tell my kids about one day.
"When I was in college, I worked in a pie shop, and I would bring home free pie all the time. My roommates got so sick of it! I always snuck them a free ice cream scoop when my boss wasn't looking when they came in to visit me."
I like who I am, I do. I have some learning to do, because I want to be able to show the rest of the world who I am. That's where I have trouble.
Sometimes it seems so fruitless to try and make sense of the nonsense that goes on in my brain.
I will leave it at that for now.