I think that I hoped I would be better off after one month. I envisioned myself being strong and happy and adventurous, perhaps kissing boys in pubs.
I am not doing that. I am being strong, though. I haven't had many breakdowns. Last night was an exception, but mostly, I am tearless and fearless.
I struggled last night with E telling me that he has been feisty since we broke up, in what he called 'the post-F days.' I think that I was good for him, and that is hard for me to grapple with. Because I still love him--that, I cannot help--it is hard for me to hear that being without me is hurting him, in many ways.
I wish that I could really be there to guide and support him, but he made the decision to cut me from that role, and that is something I have to learn to respect.
I am not okay.
Well, I am okay, but not so totally okay that I don't need to be concerned about myself. I can't think about him before myself, he isn't my person anymore. Even if it hurts him to break off contact with me, if that is what is going to help me heal and advance the ways that I want and need to, then I do that.
It can be hard for me to be selfish, and I think that comes from a long history of self-loathing. I didn't ever think about myself first in my relationship. I see that now. I think that maybe, had I been a little more selfish, I would have had problems in that relationship a long while sooner.
E hurt me, sometimes. He often did things without considering me. Not responding to my texts, or blowing me off, or lying to me about being tired when he wanted to see his friends, those were not things that I should have dismissed. He should have seen how much those things hurt me and he should have stopped. And if he couldn't stop, I should have left.
But I don't love myself enough. And I think I rely on him to tell me that I am cute and smart and funny and great, instead of knowing that within myself. I am sure that is one of the reasons it is so hard for me to cut off contact with him now.
I am beginning to think that perhaps I need to do the hard thing and stop talking to him. It will be miserable in the short term, but I think that without that constant source of confidence, I will be forced to seek confidence from within myself.
Oh, I don't really know. How am I supposed to figure any of this out?
I think that I don't let him compliment me. I think that if I find myself fishing for compliments, I stop, and I compliment myself. Instead of subtly bragging about how I finished a book, I finish the book, close it, and congratulate myself and take the time to think about why that was a feat. If I need to brag, brag to myself. Congratulate myself. Or brag to mummy.
E is allowed to think that I am great--I hope he does. I am not sure if it is fair to cut him off from talking to me simply because I am unable to love myself. I do like talking to him, it's nice to have him as a friend, for now. I just need to amend how I personally speak to him. Bragging as a means of phishing for compliments needs to stop. However, celebrating experiences that I am proud of myself AFTER I have allowed myself to be proud of them, is perfectly fine.
I think it is also good to remember that whatever E does, it does not concern me. The input that I give can be no more than input I would give to CC, or HC, or BW, or AD. While I have opinions on what is best for my friends, I only share them with them if they ask or if I think they are making a really huge mistake with severe consequences.
I have no need to truly worry about him and his decisions anymore because he isn't my boyfriend. As of right now, there is no future with him. Any worry that I used to have was because I saw my future as intertwined with his; however, that is no longer the fact.
I am going to find someone else who I won't have to worry about, who I won't feel the need to guide, and who won't hurt me. And he will find someone else that he doesn't feel controls him or hates when he has fun without.
This HAS to be better off for both of us. I think that ultimately, we are a good pair. We get along really well and we laugh together and have loads to talk about. But right now, I don't think it works. I think E needs to go through a rebellious phase and I don't think I can handle going through that with him. It would cause me so much emotional trauma. He has growing up to do that I have already done. Where we are good for each other, we can still be good for each other as friends. And someday in the future, once he has done his growing and I have done mine, who knows. Maybe we can be good for each other again.
It feels good to have realized that and to really, truly believe it.
I got this.