Thursday, August 20, 2015

TO: Self, Part III

Two more days until I am done at the Herald! 

The last two days have actually been interesting. Today is slowing down, now that I have written my story about air hostess Mandy Smith and I am just sitting around waiting for 2.30 to arrive so I can call this restaurant manager and ask him a few questions about his restaurant. Tomorrow Little Sis comes to me after work and we will drink a toast to the end of The Herald, bake Auntie P something gluten free, and then head over to Edinburgh Saturday morning.

I am excited to see Auntie P and S, but I am also really excited to get to Grandma's house and spend some time with Auntie S and Cousin B and my gpas. I am just ready to relax!

I feel like I have reached a new point in recovering from the breakup. 

I feel kind of liberated after discussing the prospect of 'friends with benefits' with E last night. I know, I know. I should not have had that conversation and it's a really bad idea. 

However, I am at a point where I can see that as a possibility. I think it would still hurt a little, and I think I have to have my first kiss after the breakup to be with someone else. But there's no denying that we are physically compatible, so if it's something that we both want, why not?

I do feel like I want something with someone else. I am ready to look at boys in another light. I am so fucking socially awkward, so I am not ready to actively pursue anyone. But if something were to happen easily, I would be into that. 

That's the thing with E, everything just happens easily. We talk easily and nothing is awkward and uncomfortable. 

That's something I miss about him. And probably will always miss about him. 

Maybe one day, he will be ready to be more than just friends or friends with benefits. But I know what he really wants and the real reason he broke up with me. He wants to be with other people. He wants that experience.

And I do too, deep down. I want to be wild and have stories to tell of one night stands and summer flings and London boys who swept me off my feet for six months.

I want to be like Auntie S and have stories to tell my nieces and nephews of all the crazy boyfriends I had and the random boys I found on holiday. I HAVE to have those experiences at some point, or I would feel that I missed out on something that I really wanted for the rest of my life.

And why not start now? I don't have to be incredibly thin, I just have to make an effort to look nice and be myself and come out of my shell and have fun. 

When I go back to San Francisco, I will make a commitment to eating well and working out, because I really do think that my health and my confidence could use a boost, and I want to develop a healthy lifestyle. But overall, I am not going to change myself. 

I am going to use this experience to get me to a place where I am confident and outgoing and having fun with my life. I don't think I was able to get to that place while I was dating E. Not that he wasn't wonderful and I didn't love him, because he was and I did. 

But if I want to enjoy these last two years of university, I have to make dramatic changes. So far, breaking up with E is a dramatic change that will change virtually everything about my social life. And instead of being scared of that, I have to embrace that and use it to my advantage.

Besides, nothing will make E miss me more than seeing me at my absolute best. Confident, easy going, fun, and maybe a little wild. 

Nothing is holding me back but myself, and that can be hard to grapple with. Money isn't an issue, time isn't an issue, opportunity isn't an issue. It's just me... Being shy and inward and unsure. 

But I want to change that. I want to be ME, the me that has an amazing time with Middle Sis and her best friend, the me that laughs for hours with CC and dances in the living room, the me that makes E crack up.

There's nothing quite so rewarding as pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Spain was out of my comfort zone, and it was an experience I will forever remember as one of the greatest months of my life. 

And so out of my comfort zone I am going again. 

Who cares what people think about me? I don't want to be in a relationship--friendship or otherwise--where the person doesn't like who I truly am. I want to be able to go home and be with my sisters exactly how I normally would and I want my friends and my significant others to see that same side of me when we are alone. 

What am I waiting for? I am 20 years old already. That could be 1/4 of my life, already gone. 25% done. That's dramatic when I think about it. I can't just keep waiting for something to happen that will make me change. It is entirely up to me to make it happen, and what the hell am I waiting for?!

I am ready to be me. I am ready to make the most of my life. I don't know what experiences are going to make that happen, but I am going to try everything until I figure it out.

F out.

(omg I cannot believe I just said that)


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