How do I say this without sounding like a complete asshole?

Today has been one of those days.

Those days where you find yourself taking a shower when you get home from work and all of a sudden bursting into tears for no apparent reason. (By the way, showers are the absolute best places to cry. The not only muffle the sound of your sobs, but they comfort you as you weep.)

The things I would like to say in the least douchebag way possible:

1. Sisters, I didn't miss you while you were all traveling for a month. Please, go back. I liked the quiet and the tidiness and the peace and quite frankly, I am sick and tired of Cake Boss and the Kardashians clogging up our DVR.
2. Grandparents, it's time for you to go home. It's been a great three week visit... kinda... But the judgement and the lack of sympathy and the complete and utter cluelessness is totally tiresome.
3. Family, coworkers, and the rest of the world, I am not in a good mood and I won't be for a while because my boyfriend is on vacation for 9 days with no cell phone reception at all. And I miss him a lot. And at the moment, he's the one person that would make me feel better, and he's not here. So you all have to deal with the shit mood. 

To anyone this was addressed to, I am sorry if I offended you. But not really, because you most likely offended me too.

<3
F